Sheffield united, Tottenham divided

The lads from Cutting Edge Blades (you’ll have heard them on our Patreon podcast for the Sheffield United home match preview) have a few questions post-game that they wanted us to answer. It’s for their fanzine. Although I’d much prefer we print the below out and plaster it all over the home dressing room in time for the next soul-draining Tottenham Stadium sinkhole.

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Was that a fair result?

No. No it wasn’t. United should have won that game. It’s amazing, football, when you look back at how much of a fumbling paradox it can be. Spurs nicked a point because of the calamitous implementation of technology, which somehow managed to out-calamity (Is that a word? It is now) Tottenham’s own self-fulfilling prophecy of anti-progressive football.

It’s crazy that I’m saying this, but not so crazy considering our form domestically in the past ten months, but this was a good point for us considering your own form.

What did you make to the Blades’ performance?

It was everything I wanted to see from us. It was everything that Spurs have given us before the slow brooding slump reared its ugly head and regurgitated microwaved pizza from the fridge, peppered with fishy Villas-Boas toppings.

United have a game plan. They are a team in every sense of the word, whereas Spurs have lost/ditched/ignored/given up their style and identity and have relapsed back to the mess Mauricio Pochettino inherited when he first arrived at White Hart Lane. More paradoxical irony here.

United were composed, determined and drilled. Every man with a mission, every man owning his responsibility. We had no momentum or sense of urgency. No synergy. Nothing. It’s nigh incredible how much we’ve switched off and the men from Sheffield showcased everything the boys from the long gone Lane lack.

Who did you view as our best performers?

I can’t say I was unimpressed with anyone. I mentioned synergy above. When a team is a unit, when everyone is working with each other and everyone is fighting for their teammates – it all comes together with tantric tenacity. It’s spirited and arguably a bit sexy. I’m not talking about the 23-pass move that led to the equalising goal. Spurs assisted that with their frozen attempt at pressing. We’ve literally gone from Tarantino to Disney with our football. What I’m actually referring to when citing spirited/sexy is the brotherhood, the togetherness. You’ve got it. Confidence is a thing of real beauty.

What did you make of Spurs’ performance?

I think I’ve left one or two clues above about this. It was Dier. Dire. Lacklustre, without discipline and there was no spark or edge. I mean, they did try. There was effort. But it was so low-key that I’m beginning to question (again) whether the players want it. Whether they want to be part of this reboot. Or whether they’ve given up on it, given up on Poch. Or whether he’s given up himself. Going through the motions is a very dangerous and selfish cleansing. They (the gaffer and players) can all leave. We (the supporters) can’t. Whatever is left is something we’ll have to deal with.

It was decent for us to get a point. We could have won had we perhaps stepped up a gear earlier in the game – but this is the long-standing problem. We’re incapable of stepping up. I’m a happy clapper. I belong to Spurs regardless of the result. But this is us sitting in a dark corner of the room, foaming at the mouth, rocking backwards and forwards. Someone has to slap us back to reality.

VAR. Discuss.

Shambles. Yes, it can provide moments of absolute drama (City away in the Champs League last season) but the bods back in the Big Brother house are dithering to the point of absurdity. I don’t even understand it anymore, how it works or how it’s meant to work. We’ve got to the point where every VAR decision looks like the Zapruder film being dissected by The Lone Gun Men attempting to figure out the trajectory of the magic bullet.

This isn’t football. Goal-line technology is decisive. This thing about pixelating a paused replay of a players fingernail being possibly, probably, maybe offside is pure parody. Mistakes is what truly made football dramatic. Yes, we should have tech assist us – but it can’t be to the detriment of the flow of the game. The officiating has to, at its core, remain with the officials on the pitch. VAR has to be far less intrusive than it is. Not sure, right now, it can be.

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Questions answered. I feel better for it.

Good luck to the Blades for the remainder of the season. Although best I keep some of that luck for our lot that will have me reaching for a blade of my own soon enough.

I am of course joking. Though I’m considering getting a tattoo on my back.

Die Poch, Die

Grammatical missteps aside, it’s German, for The Poch, The.

COYS mate