Life Without Chelsea

Have you ever wondered how things could have been different? How if one small incident had happened differently the course of history would have been fundamentally altered?

Last weekend with no Premier League, I pondered how some women survive in a world where football doesn’t exist; I learnt to my detriment that shopping, gossiping, ordering boyfriends around and bad DVD’s keep that gap well and truly filled.

Saturday night instead of working on FIFA13 my PS3 found itself playing Donnie Darko, unfortunately a jet engine never fell through my North London roof to finish me off, but I did start pondering cause and effect again, so much so that I was unable to sleep.

In search of an aspirin and some inner peace I made my way to the bathroom, when something big, fluffy and incredibly happy caught my eye, it was Chirpy the Spurs mascot:

“Anthony, have you ever wondered what one small change would do?”

“Come with me, there is something I need to show you.”

It was too early and I wasn’t in the mood for hallucinations, especially ones of giant poultry.

“F***ing Gyllenhaal.”

“Sorry Chirpy.”

Ten minutes later.

“So you are telling me that in a separate dimension 107 years ago a cow stood on a small flower, forcing a butterfly to flap his wings five extra times, which helped a small fire to spread and burn down a pub known as The Rising Sun meaning that a group of people never had the meeting where they formed a club called Chelsea.”

“Basically.”

“Shut up and follow me.”

Chelsea-less Dimension.

The first impression I have of this parallel dimension is one of peace. There is a trust between all aspects of the media, the fans, the players and the clubs. News is reportedly on fairly and players are accessible, tabloids are just as respected as their broadsheet counterparts. There exists no fake sheiks, no kiss and tell’s and an injunction is an alien term to a footballer and their advisors.

Sky remains the dominant force in Sports broadcasting, but after a hard sell Sky Sports News floundered after they had to start showing scenic landscape images to fill gaps in the news. Rupert Murdoch was quoted as saying:

“What we need is a club that causes controversy. We need infidelity, contract negotiations, extortionate transfer fees and racism to truly get this Sports News package buzzing.”

Football clubs are well run businesses controlled by Chairman who possess not only a business brain but an open ear to what the fans want. The age of the Oligarch never came to pass and whilst wages rose beyond what a normal man could ever dream of making, the term mercenary has yet to be uttered.

At the recent London Olympics athletes were lambasted by the public for putting their name on any product offering them money. Barking council house resident John Terry, who swept the streets during London 2012 appeared on local BBC News stating:

“It’s a disgrace; these athletes should look to footballers for inspiration. They work so hard in the community; you don’t see them selling themselves out for anyone that offers a quick buck.”

Whilst the nation enjoyed the Olympics and Paralympics, a retro desert made a massive comeback. The Choc Ice became everyone’s favourite ice cream again and a symbol of fun and innocence, a spokesman for Morrisons said:

“Sales have tripled; this wonderful desert represents family and friendship. Can you honestly think of a better desert to have with friends than a Choc Ice? It’s a symbol of innocence and an age old tradition.”

The International Break

England has become everyone’s second team. Regardless of whether it’s a friendly, qualifier or tournament knock out match the nation stops. Wembley is a 120,000 seated stadium that is sold out for every international. Players lucky enough to represent their country are held in great esteem and the pinnacle of every player’s career is to wear the captain’s armband.

The England team has yet to add to their 1966 World Cup triumph but it isn’t due to lack of trying or support.

Tottenham Hotspur

Thanks to shrewd investment by Daniel Levy and Frank Arnesen remaining at Spurs to complete his project, the North London team became one of the major forces of domestic football. When Jose Mourinho left Porto, he took the job at White Hart Lane and led Spurs to domestic and European glory.

Tottenham’s run of success brought to the end the era of Arsene Wenger and resulted in the Woolwich board appointing Juande Ramos to save them. Unfortunately this led to a disastrous start to their 2008-2009 season, which saw the Spaniard sacked and Harry Redknapp appointed.

Gareth Bale meanwhile was disc…..

“Anthony, Anthony.”

“Really? Chirpy you’re a legend.”