Rather than getting you on the edge of your seat, this is a team that will make you sit back and maybe have a look at some of the pictures in the programme. Or to send a friend a text message. It’s an alright team. A team from whom you expect not too much. They […]
All-time Alright Spurs XI
Rather than getting you on the edge of your seat, this is a team that will make you sit back and maybe have a look at some of the pictures in the programme. Or to send a friend a text message. It’s an alright team. A team from whom you expect not too much. They won’t let you down really. They’re like a friend you forget about, not out of malice, just, y’know…Oh yeah…him.
There are ‘nothing matches’ and ‘nothing decisions’ and there are ‘nothing players’. An All-Time Alright Spurs XI is going to be crammed full of such players. Better than you and me at football by a factor of thousands, nothing players are what keep football matches going. They are pretty good at tackling and passing. They are pretty fit. They score the occasional goal, maybe even a hugely important goal. The ‘nothing’ striker scores a few goals here in there in streaks, but nothing clicks with them for very long.
But by and large, these players stay just under the radar. They never really make that many heinous mistakes, nor do they produce anything all that exciting. They would rarely do anything as exciting as win – or lose – a match for the team. They have wives and two children and they like Chris Rea. They would be nervous around something like twitter.
Goalkeeper: Neil Sullivan. Solid, possibly prone to being overweight later in life. Hard to think of a single save or fumble. Just an alert guy with gloves on. Played for Scotland.
Stephen Kelly: Nice fella. Would bring flowers on a first date. Lacked a bit of bite. Had enough of everything but not enough of something. Nearly a pretty good player.
Chris Fairclough: Bit nervous looking. Kind of like a novice policeman. A slimline, proto Campbell. Better on the ball though.
Gudni Bergsson: The quintessential alright player. A dutiful, overdoorsy footsoldier in search of a colder environment.
Jimmy Holmes: A badly set broken leg did for him as a real player and he went on to be a policeman. Of course he did. All of these players would make good policeman.
Neil McNab: Worst haircut in the world at one point. In terms of vanity, the absolute polar opposite of current crop of footballers. He could pass, he could tackle, he could zzzzzzzzz
Michael Brown: Bought as a goalscoring midfielder from Sheffield United, he either took a look around him and reinvented himself as a destroyer or forgot how to score. Held midfield together when Poyet and co were creaking. Captain.
David Howells: Nearly 300 appearances for Spurs and no England cap. Now that is some achievement. May not have even made a squad. Face of a lonely guy who might install an alarm for you.
Allan Nielsen: Yes, he did score that goal. And he had a blonde 90s mop. These factors almost rule him out. But he was really only a dutiful scurrier. Presumably a scout leader back home.
Gordon Durie: Scored eleven goals for Spurs. Cannot remember a single one of them. Was a very clever player, but cursed with ‘utility’ tag. Had face of a man with demons/raging thirst.
Chris Armstrong: Almost snapped his spine twisting his body to score a tap-in with his only functioning foot (his right) at Middlesborough. Fast, direct, okay.
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14 Comments
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18/03/2014 @ 7:04 pm
I remember a wonder run from Michael Brown which set up a Robbie Keane goal at Blackburn. It was the only goal of the game. Brown just ran almost the whole length of the pitch evading tackles till crossed in for Keano to score. Brownie was seriously underrated. BTW would Malbranque fit into this team or is he considered better than “alright”?
18/03/2014 @ 9:22 pm
Funnily enough I remember being away at Forest and watching Gudni bring the ball out of defence, play a one two, and score having run the length of the pitch. Sadly also remember him scoring a last minute equaliser for Bolton that stopped Gerry Francis’ Spurs go 2nd
19/03/2014 @ 2:40 pm
I remember that run. He was a good player. Very useful fella to have around. But was he great at anything? Nah.
I’ve made him captain though.
18/03/2014 @ 7:09 pm
Bitch please! Tramezanni doesn’t even make the defence and as if Nielsen was worse than Pamarot, Docherty or Acimovic!
19/03/2014 @ 2:41 pm
Yeah but Pamarot, Doherty and Acimovic were bad. I think you’ve missed the point.
This isn’t about bad players. It’s about not bad players.
18/03/2014 @ 9:30 pm
Erik Edmonds as left side cover on the bench?
19/03/2014 @ 2:44 pm
I thought about Edman. He was actually very good for Spurs until he suffered a concussion. When he came back he was never quite the same. Maybe he would make the subs bench.
Even closer to making the grade was YP Lee. He was practically anonymous. Polite kind of a player. Utterly harmless. Naughton reminds me a bit of Lee. Naughton has the makings of a nothing player. But he won’t hang around long enough to earn that status.
The fans have decided he is even worse than he actually is.
20/03/2014 @ 9:02 am
Haha! Great reply to my Edmonds post. I love this article, it’s what spurs is all about. Too many articles about now questioning the board, the manager, the players, etc.. I much prefer this!
How about Gardner as centre back cover? The next Ledly King, even though he was a bit older and a very average footballer.
18/03/2014 @ 9:57 pm
Memories – Howells puts his studs through the ankle of his opposite number in midfield; supporter near me says “he’s a c*nt that Howells”; response from another supporter “but he’s our c*nt” – ah, memories………….
18/03/2014 @ 10:54 pm
Paul Stalteri!
19/03/2014 @ 2:49 pm
Well, Stalteri failed to do his job in the last derby at Highbury when he had the chance to foul Henry on the left wing. He let him by instead and Henry scored the equaliser. I cannot forgive him for that. It was a foul that had to be made and he fluffed it.
Otherwise he’d be bang up there. Not great at anything but fine.
There was another right back in the late 80s and early 90s called Brian Statham. He didn’t play much, but he had all the attributes one would look for in an alright but not great player. Sadly he didn’t make enough appearances to warrant consideration.
20/03/2014 @ 12:16 pm
Jenas, surely?
20/03/2014 @ 1:00 pm
Chris Perry
20/03/2014 @ 3:40 pm
Nice. He should be in there really. Sedgeley aswell maybe. Actually no, Sedgely was shit.