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Under Armour: A Foie Gras Experience

6 min read
by The Fighting Cock
I tentatively make my way across a row of seats. Fumbling through the dark, I settle myself down just off centre stage. As we wait in the dark listening to pumping house music, set to volume 11, my eyes acclimatise and I can make out the silhouettes of the other attendees. My eyes dart from […]

006I tentatively make my way across a row of seats. Fumbling through the dark, I settle myself down just off centre stage. As we wait in the dark listening to pumping house music, set to volume 11, my eyes acclimatise and I can make out the silhouettes of the other attendees. My eyes dart from one blogger to yet another journalist busily making notes, but all I do is imagine who’s behind the curtain: Holtby, Siggy, Dawson, Bale (nah), and a surprise signing: David Villa.

The lights come on! My eyes, my bloody eyes! Blinded but recovering I make out a brick wall on the stage, the words ‘I WILL’ clearly etched out. My imagination runs into overdrive, and I let myself drift off and daydream: I’m wondering what the kit looks like, what Villa will look like in a Spurs shirt, but I settle on Dawson and me sharing a coke together (one straw) and shooting the breeze… BOOM! An American voice hammers through the speakers and snaps me back to the converted warehouse.

Mr American Under Armour International Mega Global Brand Corporate Man. He tells us the story behind the ‘I WILL’ campaign, and how the quote spread like wild fire through the US. I hadn’t seen the advert or heard the slogan, and I don’t watch American sports, it was all lost on me. I didn’t quite get it (‘I WILL’ is a statement, it’s a confirmation, it’s a goal.)

A new Mr American Under Armour International Mega Global Brand Corporate Man speaks passionately about trainers, ‘running trainers’ to be exact. They’ve made the lightest most fitting blah, blah, blah. OK, I get it. Let me see the kit, let me see the player. The suspense is killing me. I need to see them beating the club crest on the club breast like they really mean it. Surely it’s time!

Nope, the first American Mr Under Armour is back again. He’s now banging on about European expansion. I’m squirming uncomfortably as the big balled American gaffer-tapes a garden hose into my mouth and force feeds me the Under Armour brand, strategy and world domination plan, I now start to wonder how the new shirt will glide over my bloated body, UA branding spilling from every orifice – I bet there’s a tie stitched into the collar.

Sitting here in sweltering conditions, my lust for our new kit and seeing my heroes up-close-and-personal shrivelled by some cunning ploy to get me here. I’d been brainwashed by Under Armour. Sod Spurs! I want to be big. I want to be black. I want to live in a poor neighbourhood, I want to rise like a phoenix from my broken home and become the living legend I was born to be because Under Armour gear made it so.

Then Mr Under Armour thanked everyone and left the stage. We’re plunged into darkness. The Smoke machine is spewing mystery onto the stage, the plasma screen is flashing white and grey in the background perpetuating the illusion of a thundercloud before our eyes, Plan B booms over the speakers! This is so ruddy edgy, so gritty, we’re not internet journalists and football geeks, we’re tough kids from the estate, our manors’ ill, and we’re coming for your money. I’m pumped. I’m well up for this. C’MON!

Then the W in ‘WILL’ on the wall in front of us just sort of flops down, sort of like letting a mattress fall to the floor. The anti-climatic feeling subsides as it’s clear who is stumbling through the fog. MICKEY D is in the house; our captain, our leader, Mr 100%, Wait… Why is there a horrible light blue circle on the front of the shirt? Before I have time to spew my disgust, the I flops over – it’s… it’s… oh my god! Oh it’s Brad Friedel *sigh*.

The letter L flops down. The thunder and lightening is still going on, Plan B is still blaring out of the speakers and it’s still pitch black. But I know a nonplussed Jermain Defoe silhouette when I see one.

The final L is about to be pushed, save the best until last? New signing? 3rd kit? IT’S BAAAALE! I can’t believe he’s here in touching distance, I can’t do anything but stare straight at him, a twinge goes in my pants, and the intensity of my stare… it got a little weird after that so I looked at Friedel instead – no one was looking at him

The lights came on as the usual media scrum gathered, dictaphones running, cameras flashing. Big Brad and Mickey D smiling, JD and Bale just staring at the floor emotionless.

Mr corporate fancy pants from Under Armour is back explaining how ‘technical’ the new shirt is. The new ventilation system, the lightweight material, how it retains moisture and evenly distributes it. We have seen the landscape of traditional football shirts drastically change from baggy stitched cotton shirts to tight fitting elasticated super-kits. What I look for in a Tottenham Hotspur shirt is simple, and basically very difficult to mess it up. White shirt, dash of navy, a cockerel, and a sprinkle of retro. Traditional. And granted, for this season at least, we have a white shirt, we have navy, we have a cockerel, we have a sprinkle of retro (back of the shirt, on the shoulders, the herringbone design), and we even have a stylish original collar, but why oh why do we have a light blue circle smack bang on the front?

It’s a nice kit, apart from the new Hewlett Packard sponsor. And while no club consults supporters over the shirt sponsor, it’s all about money after all, it’s a shame that a simple choice of the wrong shade of blue can ruin something. I’d imagine that the vast majority of Tottenham fans would want the HP logo to be navy blue. We are the people that buy the kits year on year, for ourselves, for family, for partners etc. Traditional colours, it’s hard, especially when the colour doesn’t have any reasonable bearing on the way the logo looks.

Meanwhile, the four players are each sent to a corner of the room to where planned interviews are taking place. I was so close to each player it was genuinely exciting. Gareth Bale’s current popularity is up there with the any footballer in the world. I spoke to him, and I shook his hand. He didn’t care. I didn’t even say, “please stay”, “I love you” or “I know you got your ears pinned back, don’t lie to me”. I said “ pleased to meet you Gareth”. He just shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “what would you like me to do with that?”. Mickey D and Friedel were gents, as usual, utter professionals and always amiable. JD asked his media assistant if “that was the last one” after every interview. To be fair, we were staring at them like caged animals and it must be a horrible situation to be in, but it’s part of your job, enjoy it while you can.

Under Armour are a very ambitious company and I do think the partnership with Tottenham is perfect. Their tailor-made sportswear are better then anyone’s on the market, but I think they are some way off understanding a football fans in England.

All views and opinions expressed in this article are the views and opinions of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of The Fighting Cock. We offer a platform for fans to commit their views to text and voice their thoughts. Football is a passionate game and as long as the views stay within the parameters of what is acceptable, we encourage people to write, get involved and share their thoughts on the mighty Tottenham Hotspur.

2 Comments

  1. Zee
    11/07/2013 @ 1:45 pm

    fucking yanks

  2. Park Lane Spurs
    12/07/2013 @ 11:24 am

    Great to see Taff Boy Wonder, hopefully that should stop some of this transfer speculation.. However if that kit would make me consider my options, it’s truly minging… I think i’ll stick with my current one thank you very much!

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