Swanson, Sperm and a Window into Madness

I’ve been scouring websites and newspapers. I’ve read blogs galore. I’ve been typing 303 into Teletext – am I the only person left in the world who does this? I’ve even tuned into TalkSport once. Basically I’ve been doing all the things I promised myself I wouldn’t, and I’m going slowly mad.

The transfer window. That crazy time of year when the weak and desperate have their hopes raised by foolishly paying heed to a constant stream of rumours only to have them brutally dashed by… well, a constant stream of rumours.

Weeks of chatter, excitement, worry and frustration culminate in Bryan Swanson jabbering for eight hours in a car park in between bites of a packed lunch prepared by his Mum. As the clock ticks and darkness falls, he wipes the remnants of the fourth and final scotch egg from his child-you’d-never-tire-of-slapping face and utters words that are more anticlimactic than Tim Henman was at Wimbledon. Andy Booth, Gregor Rasiak, Ryan Nelson, Luis Saha or Clint Dempsey anyone?

The window is barely open but already my mind is mush. Will Bale stay? Will Villas-Boas still be here. Can we offload Adebayor and stop wasting wages on a waster? Will we ever sign a proper centre forward and stop pretending Defoe is really any good?

The latter brings me onto Leandro Damiao, who I was amazed to find is still only 23. How can this be so? Haven’t we been fruitlessly chasing the Brazilian striker for the past 47 transfer windows? Does that mean our vast scouting network in South America and ‘special relationship’ with his club Internacional managed to unearth this gem of a goal machine before… well, before he was actually on this earth at all? Was he spotted as a strong swimming sperm with an eye for the target?

[linequote]We can’t make the same mistake again, nor can we wait for Swanson’s car park swansong to try and do our business only for him to inform us that a wrongly sent fax means a £25m deal fell through.[/linequote]

Anyway, our shopping list should be both obvious and urgent. Two centre forwards to be backed up by Defoe if he’s happy with a bit-part role predominantly from the bench (if he’s not he can wave goodbye to getting anywhere near the top four again and go to Sunderland, Villa or maybe Norwich – I remember a time when all our players seemed to go to Norwich); an attacking winger/midfielder to replace or compete with Lennon; and a central midfielder to either support or compliment Sandro and Dembele depending on the system deployed. A centre half for real depth would be a bonus and a left-back to replace Benny a necessity if and when he goes.

Some wish-list you may say, but after finishing in the top five for four years it’s time to decide where we see ourselves as a club. Getting so close to being really good – great even – without quite making it would be a travesty. It would be heartbreaking if such sound foundations were allowed to disintegrate before the structure was complete and given a chance to shine.

It’s a bit like building a house I suppose (please bear with me on this one). We’ve got the plot sorted, the main weight bearing walls are in place and the interior is taking shape nicely. But we need to put the roof on sharpish before time erodes our good work and the houses on either side start making ours look like it belongs on another estate. (Hope that made some sort of sense – maybe I’m going mad a bit faster than I thought.)

But if what the team needs to improve is obvious, then so is our inability to compete financially with those clubs around us. Huge match day revenues from much bigger stadiums, years of Champions League cash, and the odd dictator riding in from the East emphasise how well we’re doing to regularly trouble the top four at all. Even Liverpool still make millions more than us – so I guess this proves money isn’t everything.

[linequote]Andy Booth, Gregor Rasiak, Ryan Nelson, Luis Saha or Clint Dempsey anyone?[/linequote]

What we can do is be clever and to take a punt once in a while. Imagine we were on Bullseye last January, at that pivotal moment when it’s time to either walk away with a fondue set, video recorder, garden furniture and £170 in cash, or risk the lot on driving off in a brand, spanking Mini Metro. Villas-Boas was eager to throw for glory, only for non-dart player Levy to utter a sentence that begun with: “We’ve had a lovely day Jim, but…”

If we’d gambled six months ago I’m convinced we’d have secured at least fourth – the margins were minuscule, nothing more than turning a home defeat against Fulham into a draw and a draw at Wigan into a win. A £20m splash on a striker would now be reaping its rewards for our bean counters, the Bale issue would be less worrying, White Hart Lane a more attractive destination for potential signings, and we’d have a few more games to watch on a Saturday.

We can’t make the same mistake again, nor can we wait for Swanson’s car park swansong to try and do our business only for him to inform us that a wrongly sent fax means a £25m deal fell through. You never know, we could have a squad that can truly compete in place by the time the window shuts – and deadline day might be bath night in the Swanson household this year so we’ll be spared him too. Here’s hoping.

[author name=”Brian J Howes” avatar=”https://si0.twimg.com/profile_images/344513261574042961/c98718b92d0da5c48d3aa174b9496000.jpeg” twitter=”” tag=”BrianJDowes[/linequote]