The Spurs Code: How to Survive the Summer

There was a time, a great time when the world was internet free. It was an age when innocence reigned and you could quite happily exist without knowing what an acquaintance had for dinner or how bad their commute to work was. It was a period of history where agents had no global voice, ex-con midfielders didn’t quote Morrissey and journalists couldn’t earn their money on sheer speculation.

The internet of course isn’t all bad. It has helped billions get laid, spend their wages and answer a tricky pub quiz question, but in a football fans world, stuck without action, it’s the path to the dark side.

Tottenham used to be exempt from the mindless gossip, but since progressing from mid-table fodder into CL contenders, we have found ourselves having our best players pimped out on a global stage.

Success leads to jealousy, jealousy to fear, fear to anger, anger to hate, and hate to suffering. These are the fist sticky tentacles of the all consuming Dark Side, help however is at hand.

Use the internet to book a room at the nearest Gulag until August, throw all internet devices in the bin, or simply follow the Spurs Code.

Breathe:

When a retweeted Tweet of 140 characters of nonsense appears on your Time Line, take a deep breath. Focus and allow your first natural instinct to respond with hatred to pass. To give in to such provocation would be to shuffle along the path to the dark side.

Instead take a minute or two and picture Tom Huddlestone after a 20 yard dash. Bend over, put your hands on your knees, suck as much air in as possible and then vow never to do that again. Then relax.

Phone a friend:

There used to be a time when ringing a premium line Club Call was the only way to find out the gossip, why not be inspired by this memory and go “old school”?

Forget BBM and WhatsApp, instead use a landline to ring a friend. In order to steer clear of any stress make sure this is a person you want to speak to, not one of your hundreds of Facebook buddies who you only accepted because his bird or her mates are fit. This must be a proper friend.

Falling that, pop over to channel 900 and something on SKY and ring a helpful lady spread out on a sofa, in minutes she will have you forgetting all that pent up Spurs frustration.

Take up a hobby:

The summer is full of quaint little sports that spend nine months of the year squeezed into a couple of inches in newspapers. Perhaps now is the time to take one of these hobby sports up?

Why not opt for a spot of cricket? Any game that gets you out of the house all day and encourages copious amounts of drinking must be a winner. Remember this a game that starts just after breakfast, stops for a sandwich laden lunch, cakes at tea, as well as for regular breaks for drink. No cheap badly sliced oranges caked in mud here.

If the sound of a cork striking willow isn’t for you, perhaps tennis is right up your street?

A game advertised by Robsinson Squash, natural mineral water and fresh fruit. Detox whilst rubbing shoulders with people claiming to be middle/upper class because they say “yah” not “yeah” and wrap a white cardigan round their shoulders.

Go to a Festival:

After all the cold and miserable days spent at White Hart Lane, willing the team to dispatch Wigan, Stoke and any other relegation threatened team, use your hard earned cash to watch another group of people who look better on YouTube than in the flesh.

You will mix with other like minded souls, all of you there for the memories, the overpriced beer and that killer Facebook check-in.

This year Glastobury hosts the Rolling Stones, surely a step up from the rolling Suarez?

Spend time with your partner:

That person you live with/date that unbeknown to them has been playing the Brad Friedel backup role to your Tottenham, needs your quality time.

You should never forget that many moons before you, they thought that Bale was a measurement of hay, AVB was a cheap Business diploma and Lennon had been dead for decades.

Spend those very few hot summer days with them  sitting uncomfortably in a park sipping Pimms and munching on M&S overpriced finger food. Just don’t give into the temptation and try and join the group of kids playing football nearby.

It’s essential you clock up as many Brownie points as possible, before you sacrifice your joint debit card in accumulating more Spurs Loyalty Points.

Get fit:

Last season as you squeezed yourself into a Nike Body vest and trotted out onto the 3G Power League pitch, you must have felt like a winner. Until of course a nippy 18 year old breezed past you, bum fluff dancing on his chin and cocky smile across his face as his groupies cackled with delight from the side lines.

Next season don’t let this happen to you, either retire now, or get fit.

What better way to ignore Spurs and get fit than be in a gym basement attempting not to do your sex face as you lift 10kgs?

If you don’t want to spend money at the gym, exercise at home.

Buy some kettle bells and watch Fitness TV, this time exercising more than just your imagination and your pause finger. Also refrain from hitting your favourite Fast Fooderia and start eating healthy. Next season you will be power marching up the High Road from Seven Sisters.

This regime will also help should Under Armour go all Puma and create a skin tight kit; you will be one of very few who could pull it off without the use of a corset or looking like an uncooked Haggis.

Remember:

The summer is a short space of time which we as Spurs fans need to make the most of. Do not allow Bale gossip, over hyped Brazilians and gloating from some North London squatters to ruin it for you.

Follow the Spurs Code and let go of your anger and frustrations, there will be loads of that around come the new season.

Have a great summer!!