Premier League Doping Gone Wrong

With the transfer window closed, Premier League clubs are turning to medicine to try and eke every single percent of performance from its stars. With Eufemiano Fuentes currently on trial for blood doping in Spain, perhaps it isn’t the wisest time for clubs to push the medical boundaries, but they are.

Qualifying for the Champions League and avoiding relegation has become the be-all and end-all of modern day football. Desperation has taken over and doctors have been given free reign to do what ever they can to help secure the next three points.

Go back and closely watch the highlights of MOTD/MOTD2 from last weekend and you will see that the Premier League is rife with all kinds of doping.

Goran Popov – West Brom

With the Midlands club currently suffering a hangover from their impressive early season form, former perennial number two Steve Clarke is feeling the pressure. A source within the Baggies told me over coffee:

“He needed strength, energy, resilience and a bit of South American spirit, so Clarkey asked the club doctors to see what they could cook up, unfortunately he didn’t expect the side affects.”

Delving deeper into the club I managed to persuade a lab assistant to come clean:

“Unfortunately we were unable to get hold of acceptable human South American DNA and after watching a documentary on Peru, one of the doctors had a brain wave. He decided that the next best thing was animal DNA, especially DNA from a resilient and rugged creature, like the Llama. It ticked all the boxes, but the doctor didn’t realise that Popov would inherit all the Llama traits.”

Pepe Reina – Liverpool

Have you seen Rocky? If you have then you will know how difficult it is to catch a chicken. Inspired by the movie, club doctors decided it was time to add speed, agility and reactions to Reina’s game. The World Cup winning substitute has suffered a serious loss of form this year and it was obvious that a bit of chicken DNA would be perfect for the stopper.

However, the chicken requisitioned for the withdrawal of DNA escaped and started to run riot in the lab. The doctors were unable to catch it, and therefore were left with only one choice, to kill it.

After decapitating the chicken, the headless chicken charged into no mans land, miles from where it should have been before slumping defeated to the ground. The doctors were then able to get hold of the chicken, create the dosage and prepare the shot for Reina to take before the Man City game.

Michael Owen – Stoke City

Once a feared striker, capable of terrorizing even the best defenders the former England man today cant even cast a shadow of his former self. Ravaged by knee and hamstring injuries, he is a footballer waiting to become another average pundit.

The Stoke medical team however, are refusing to give on their summer signing. Having effectively doped 11 rugby players into thinking they are footballers, they created a new formula for Owen which was injected shortly before his cameo appearance at the Emirates.

A lab assistant informed me:

“The idea was to use a strong cat DNA. Cats have exceptional reflexes and strong muscles, also they supposedly have nine lives, but the only one we had around the club was the team’s official pussy cat.”

Probable doping cases

Nani – Sir Alex initially wanted his Portuguese winger to have speed, twinkle toes, incredible trickery and appeal. Club doctors suggested making a formula from Michael Jackson DNA, unfortunately however they could only find a cheap knock-off impersonator from which to create their injection.

Jack Wilshere – The now self proclaimed Number One fan of the Woolwich has become the basis for scientist looking to work the other way round and medically alter animals. It seems Big Cat doctors are seeking to create a drug that will effectively help leopards change their spots. A source stated:

“Jack is the perfect example of how you can be one thing for most of your life, then suddenly change and claim passionately to be something else.”