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20 Easy Steps To Becoming A Spurs Hipster

hipster1. Your favourite Spurs game of all time is the 1-0 win away at the San Siro vs AC Milan.

2. Incidentally, this is the game when your favourite current Spurs player Sandro “landed on the world stage”.

3. Your favourite Spurs player of all time is Glenn Hoddle, and you refer to him solely as “God”. This may be true of a large amount of Spurs fans, but you actually have a shrine to him in your room, and the groove has worn down on your copy of “Diamond Lights” through overplay.



5. When you receive some good news, say “there are no amount of Steffen Freund celebration gifs to express my elation!”

6. In your eyes, the most underrated player to ever pull on a Spurs shirt is Timothee Atouba.

7. You know a certain amount about the youth squad – not enough to go to games, but enough to say “Coulthirst/Pritchard/Mason/Carroll/Falque (delete as applicable) looks a great prospect”. You wax lyrical about the “Moniz method”, despite not quite understanding it.

8. You have never been to The Bricklayers – it’s too loud to sit and read your well-thumbed copy of “Inverting The Pyramid”.

9. You sit in Park Lane, but are secretly eyeing up a season ticket in Paxton, where you can subtly lecture the 10-year-old next to you on “supporting Spurs the right way”. He/she continue to play with their Game Boy.

10. You solely follow the SpursOfficial Instagram, but wish that Bale celebration had a Valencia filter.

11. Your Twitter handle is something esoteric – most likely a reference to a forgotten early 00s player like Mido or Willem Korsten. You predominantly use it to remark on the pass completion levels of Mousa Dembele, and retweet Zonal Marking.

12. Your nightly wet dream consists of Joao Moutinho in a Tottenham shirt, but you are slowly allowing Lewis Holtby to sneak in.

13. Your favourite teams outside of Spurs were Shakhtar Donetsk and Borussia Dortmund, but they are “too mainstream nowadays”.

14. No-one ever wants to talk to you about Harry Redknapp, as you can’t get through a sentence containing “stop-gap solution” and “swashbuckling style of play” without giving them a faceful of gob.

15. You never wear colours to games, and pour scorn on those who get names & numbers on the back. However, you do have a faded 1991 FA Cup Final strip for your weekly five-a-side game.



17. You wince a little at mispronounciation of players’ names, and have to hold yourself back from saying “It’s ‘Bun-YAYve-chevick’ and ‘Mod-ritch’, you bloody clot!”.

18. You constantly refer to Arsenal as “Woolwich Wanderers”, but a frequent line in conversation is “Woolwich don’t have many despicable players these days…”

19. You are able to eloquently dissect the usage of the term, but still call it “the ‘Y’ word”.

And finally…

20. The absolute worst person in the universe is anyone who sings “Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur”.

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All views and opinions expressed in this article are the views and opinions of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of The Fighting Cock. We offer a platform for fans to commit their views to text and voice their thoughts. Football is a passionate game and as long as the views stay within the parameters of what is acceptable, we encourage people to write, get involved and share their thoughts on the mighty Tottenham Hotspur.

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The Fighting Cock

Published on 5th February 2013

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6 Responses to 20 Easy Steps To Becoming A Spurs Hipster

  1. spuds4me 05/02/2013 at 5:35 pm #

    laugh – I almost wet my pants ! You could have combined 4. and 16. cos i reckon they’re actually one and the same person, like the geezer with the glove puppet “Lord Charles”. Levy says we don’t need a striker then his glove puppet says the same thing a bit later.
    Only kiddin’ avb’s cool.

  2. big k 05/02/2013 at 5:52 pm #

    what is all this bolloocks? i hope normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

  3. Cynical Spur 05/02/2013 at 6:07 pm #

    Saw a verrrrry verrrry similar article to this earlier……..


  4. Todd S 05/02/2013 at 6:59 pm #

    These aren’t steps.

    I count 17 characteristics or indicators, 2 commandments, and 1 viewpoint. And relatively little substance.

    I suppose it was still worth a read. Not much interesting news here in the midweek.

  5. Bruce Castle 05/02/2013 at 7:24 pm #

    You block out your mind all the times that have felt sick to your stomach because you anticipated a match all week and Spurs throw away a lead.

  6. Ollie 07/02/2013 at 9:43 am #

    Big K – I’m sorry my facile, sophomoric attempt at humour isn’t good enough for you. I shall go home and self-flagellate for hours on end. I’m sure “Jermain Defoe: Bestest Tottnum Playa Evar” is in the works for you.

    Todd S – I apologise profusely that an article written for humourous purposes didn’t contain enough substance – perhaps next time I’ll pop in an emotional narrative about how my Spurs articles keep getting rejected by The Blizzard.

    And Cynical Spur – you great cynic, you. I’m sure you’re referring to this piece: http://www.sabotagetimes.com/reportage/25-steps-to-becoming-a-football-hipster/ which is a stroke of genius and my inspiration. Sorry I made such a feeble copy, I promise to do better next time sir.

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