2. Incidentally, this is the game when your favourite current Spurs player Sandro “landed on the world stage”.
3. Your favourite Spurs player of all time is Glenn Hoddle, and you refer to him solely as “God”. This may be true of a large amount of Spurs fans, but you actually have a shrine to him in your room, and the groove has worn down on your copy of “Diamond Lights” through overplay.
4. THOU SHALT NOT QUESTION AVB.
5. When you receive some good news, say “there are no amount of Steffen Freund celebration gifs to express my elation!”
6. In your eyes, the most underrated player to ever pull on a Spurs shirt is Timothee Atouba.
7. You know a certain amount about the youth squad – not enough to go to games, but enough to say “Coulthirst/Pritchard/Mason/Carroll/Falque (delete as applicable) looks a great prospect”. You wax lyrical about the “Moniz method”, despite not quite understanding it.
8. You have never been to The Bricklayers – it’s too loud to sit and read your well-thumbed copy of “Inverting The Pyramid”.
9. You sit in Park Lane, but are secretly eyeing up a season ticket in Paxton, where you can subtly lecture the 10-year-old next to you on “supporting Spurs the right way”. He/she continue to play with their Game Boy.
10. You solely follow the SpursOfficial Instagram, but wish that Bale celebration had a Valencia filter.
11. Your Twitter handle is something esoteric – most likely a reference to a forgotten early 00s player like Mido or Willem Korsten. You predominantly use it to remark on the pass completion levels of Mousa Dembele, and retweet Zonal Marking.
12. Your nightly wet dream consists of Joao Moutinho in a Tottenham shirt, but you are slowly allowing Lewis Holtby to sneak in.
13. Your favourite teams outside of Spurs were Shakhtar Donetsk and Borussia Dortmund, but they are “too mainstream nowadays”.
14. No-one ever wants to talk to you about Harry Redknapp, as you can’t get through a sentence containing “stop-gap solution” and “swashbuckling style of play” without giving them a faceful of gob.
15. You never wear colours to games, and pour scorn on those who get names & numbers on the back. However, you do have a faded 1991 FA Cup Final strip for your weekly five-a-side game.
16. THOU SHALT NOT QUESTION DANIEL LEVY.
17. You wince a little at mispronounciation of players’ names, and have to hold yourself back from saying “It’s ‘Bun-YAYve-chevick’ and ‘Mod-ritch’, you bloody clot!”.
18. You constantly refer to Arsenal as “Woolwich Wanderers”, but a frequent line in conversation is “Woolwich don’t have many despicable players these days...”
19. You are able to eloquently dissect the usage of the term, but still call it “the ‘Y’ word”.
20. The absolute worst person in the universe is anyone who sings “Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur”.