The Tottenham Hotspur chairman Daniel Levy is starting to make a habit of upsetting people. With the end of the season approaching, the Spurs supremo looks set to add pharmaceutical giants GlaxoSmithKline to his list of enemies as he prepares to conquer the legal drug world.
In recent months the Spurs chairman has upset Jean-Michel Aulas, the Lyon president and Sir Alex Ferguson shadow chairman of the Referees Association, due to his tough negotiating and habit of leaving finger prints all over transfers.
Levy’s next controversial financially based move however, is a foray into the drug manufacturing market. After the Spurs chairman saw his Champions League dreams dashed by Arjen Robben missing a penalty in extra time last May, insiders inform me that DL is refusing to miss out extra cash this season.
It seems that Levy is ready to launch his own brand of Tottenham Pharmaceuticals, which he thinks will make a big splash on the global market. Thanks to my contacts I have been able to get a peek at the list of pills, what they do and what side affects they have.
Here are some of the more eye catching pills heading to a pharmacist near you:
This slightly plump pill is a cheap knock off from its Catalan ancestor. It slips down easily and gives one the confidence and bravado that you shouldn’t really have given your station in life. It bestows upon the digestor the feeling of complete superiority even if you have just been beaten away from home again.
The biggest buzz it gives you is the complete and utter feeling of delusion. Twenty four points plus off the league leaders?? Don’t worry about it. Over 60% possession at WHL but still lose? Don’t worry you won the moral victory.
Need a striker? Sign a former Chelsea player that couldn’t usurp goal machine Torres.
WARNING: You will honestly believe that Stuart Downing is a RB, LB and a professional footballer. Stay away from documentaries, envelopes and microphones, these will only lead to embarrassment.
This skinny little pill comes wrapped in a big fluffy packaging that honestly looks ridiculous. It does however offer you a wonderful view of the world. One pill and everything you see will be rose tinted.
A tester stated:
“Drop this pill and everything you will look at will appear better. Jack Wilshere will look like Xavi, Theo Walcott will sound French, look French and almost play like a French man. Take this pill at a half empty quiet stadium and it will seem like the La Bombonera on Super Classico afternoon.”
The tester added:
“Just don’t double drop, you will be seeing all kinds of weird stuff like Chamakh scoring.”
WARNING: You will start to struggle with certain numbers. A number four will look like one, a red card will look like a blatant dive by the opposition and you will suffer from a phobia to shiny metals.
Are you a little scally from the streets? Have you done a stint at Her Majesty’s pleasure? Do you suffer from a lack of ashtrays?
If you answer yes then Le Barton is right up your street.
This pill is designed to make you feel intelligent, important, talented and bestow upon you any language in minutes. This pill is a slight modification on the failed Steeeeve Mclaren pill which caused people to have a severe reaction to water and football in general.
WARNING: You will be addicted to copy-pasting quotes from Wikipedia and listening to The Smiths. Also despite what you may think about yourself you will remain an unimportant member of the human race and pretty much most of the conscious world will despise you.
This pill is so tough that Chuck Norris had to be called in to test it. The packaging states that if once you needed to wear a gum shield to play football, after taking this it will be your opponents that need one. Originally conceived in the favela’s of Rio de Janiero, the pill was given to contestants before embarking on a Kung Fu street fight to the death.
Levy managed to get hold of the formula on the cheap and has refined it into a special weapon. When the pill is finally broken down by your body, 24 hours later, it provides the taker with unrivalled powers of endurance, strength and bravery.
WARNING: May lead to an obsession with darts, dancing and a belief that you are musical. The pill is so tough though that on occasions the body prefers to throw it up rather than attempt to pass it.
In the pipeline
Want to look handsome and appear to know what you’re doing? The AVB is designed around the concept of the pill from Limitless. Be warned however it doesn’t work outside of Portugal and at points you will lack creativity.
Makes you as hard as nails, but does rather scarily cause the eyes to bulge. Defoe apparently volunteered for a pill after he misunderstood the context of “Makes you hard.”
Still in testing as so far it has made people act inappropriately, lose all sense of gravity and control of their arms.