Brendan and Arsene’s Project Tottenham

Deep within the catacombs at Anfield, two men are sat around a table talking football. The lights have been dimmed, three envelopes lay on the table and its Saturday afternoon, less than a day until both Tottenham and Liverpool are knocked out by lower league opposition in the FA Cup fourth round.

“So, Brendan, so far you have done quite a good job.”

“Yes, it’s going as I planned it. We are finally starting to see some results. We have three strikers now, a few midfielders and even Stuart Downing is starting to create more than just bad jokes.”

“But what about Spurs? They seem determined to usurp us.”

“Well Ricky, you will see I have not been idle I have factored them in to my plans, in fact if you would care to open up one of those envelopes you will see that in fact I predicted this.”

“Ahh the famed envelopes, where you predicted who would let you down this season. Surely they all have Jordan Henderson’s name on them?”

“That would be too simple, open one.”

“Err Ricky Parry…”

“No the one next to it, I wrote that after the Carroll debacle and haven’t had a chance to correct it. Sorry mate”

“Tottenham Hotspur.”

“If the devil had a season ticket it would be there. Do you know they have sacked half their scouting staff? Literally Daniel Levy sits on twitter all day waits for an ITK to name a player we like then he goes after them. But I have got wise to it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Disinformation, we say who we don’t want and go for the ones no one wants?”

“Huh?”

“Glyfi, Clint and Holtby, we didn’t really want them we just pretended, that way Tottenham sign them, making us stronger and them weaker, but there is also a second phase to this plan”

“Nice, I like the sound of that.”

“We need to ensure that we are the story, we are the headline makers, that we take centre stage. We must do everything that Spurs do but even better, more spectacular.”

Sunday evening- In a toilet cubicle at Boundary Park

“Boss why are you not going mental? Why are we talking in here?”

“Patience young one.”

“But boss I don’t get it. We’re out of the cup! We lost to a League One team! We got battered. Coates has disappeared, Suarez is chasing Robinson round the changing room threatening to bite his nose off and Brad Jones is sat in the corner singing nursery rhymes, its mental boss.”

“Stevie, calm down. I understand your feelings but this is just the beginning of my project. After the other result today this is exactly what I wanted to happen. You nearly messed it up with your cameo, but I am happy.”

“But it doesn’t make sense boss?”

“That is why I am the manager and you my frisky little scally are not.”

North London – In a quiet little restuarant

“So far so good, I can’t believe you might actually pull it off again?”

“My little French boy, when will you learn that I am simply the master of everything?”

“I do apologise Arsene, its just that you sold everyone good and everyone else bought great players.”

“You must remove your pretty little head from the tabloids my friend. I told Liverpool about Clint and Glyfi, I knew they would shout their mouths off and then Spurs would step in. This in turn would build inexcusable hype, then crushing realism and then they will be at each others throats. Twitter my friend was an invention created by an Arsenal fan. Divide and conquer. Divide et impera.”

“But what about the Wenger Out statements, the booing etc, the fans have turned against you.”

“Merely objects of distraction, implemented by me and used to my benefit. Do you actually believe real Arsenal fans can afford to come to the Emirates these days? I buy all the tickets.”

“That’s why it’s always a sell out even though its empty?”

“Exactly, it’s great for tax benefits.”

“So we will finish fourth.”

“Of course.”

“And win the Champions League?”

“Thierry, even I have my limits.”

In a Harley Street Clinic

“Now Mr Levy we are going to do a few tests on you, look at this picture and tell me what is the most obvious thing to you?”

“The duck!”

“Excellent. Now this one?”

“The butterfly!!”

“Excellent, now can you count to ten for me?”

“Yep. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ten!!”

“You seem to be missing something? What about the number….”

“Nope.I Levy am correct.”

“Ok lets move on, take a look at this clip from Sunday afternoon what is most obvious thing you see?”

“Pure profit.”

“What about something resembling a striker?”

“Nope can’t see what you are talking about. Oh look there’s £60 Million on the left wing.”

“Ok Daniel, I am just going to step out of the room a second.”

Outside.

“So what’s the verdict?”

“I am sorry to tell you Andre, he is completely oblivious to the fact that you played no striker. You will need to take even bigger steps to make him realize what you need.”

“Even bigger steps? What more can I do?”

Steffen Freund sticks his head into the room

“Andre you have a call, its that Bentley, again.”

“Excellent, tell him I need to see him in my discussion chamber.”

“David, make your way to his office.”

At Anfield

“So that didn’t work, we lost to Oldham Athletic.”

“Yes but Spurs lost to Leeds United.”

“But we lost to someone worse.”

“But we got the headlines. Their result barely registered.”

“What’s next in this… master plan of yours?”

“To lose against Arsenal, this will then give them three points allowing them to close the gap on Spurs and in actual fact bringing us closer to them at the same time.”

“But what if Spurs beat Norwich? Then we will be even further behind?”

“They wont, I am Brendan. They will write books about me.”