As I was dragged around IKEA on Sunday by my girlfriend, I escaped to my happy place: Football. Unfortunately, unlike Ed Norton in Fight Club, there was no cute penguin sliding around to cheer me up, instead there were three talented Latino players tormenting Tom Huddlestone.
“Run Tom!! Get Stuck in Tom!!” I shouted.
“I am trying, honestly I am.”
Clearly he wasn’t.
“Hey amigo, you cant catch us jajajaja!!”
“Right Tom, its time for drastic measures. Nurse, scalpel please.”
Two 10 year olds screaming and throwing miniature pencils at each other at the Wembley superstore brought me out of my Happy Place, but i couldnt shake the idea of surgery saving the Tottenham midfielder.
Spurs currently boast three very impressive midfielders in Sandro, Mousa Dembele and Tom Huddlestone. The problem is however that their collective defectives out weight their individual strengths.
If only we could combine them into one Supreme Being?
The midfield dynamo would possess unrelenting determination and stamina, if the ball is within the confines of the pitch it belongs to him. Sandlestone would perfect the slide tackle, forcing FIFA and Luis Suarez to accept it as a part of football and at the same time turn Kung Fu into a legitimate dance form.
The Tottenham man would cut through opposition midfielders with a dummy here, a swing of the hips there, before unleashing a powerful drive or inch perfect cross field pass. He would boast serious hair, but still work hard for charity, but most importantly of all he would be mobile.
The sight of a toned Sandlestone dashing across the pitch at White Hart Lane would have designers at Under Armour pondering the return of the Puma style skin tight kit.
Sandlestone would be competing on a regular basis with Andres Iniesta, Xavi and Andrea Pirlo for the title of most complete midfielder.
Excited by the prospect of a player like Mousa Sandlestone, I started pondering combining players of Spurs’ present and recent past.
Big, strong, quick, physically fit and supremely talented, this striker would be one of the most feared number 9’s on the planet. Defatov, refrains from smoking Café Crèmes or chasing hairdressers, and plays football for the sheer joy of it, not the financial reward. Defatov can control any pass into him and his workrate puts Scott Parker to shame, the striker even managed to find time to write the award winning book: Explaining Offside To Anyone.
Defatov can finish off both feet, is equally adept in the air and never goes missing for long periods of a game. The Spurs man would of course be linked with other clubs, but would refuse to even contemplate leaving.
A successful footballer knows his limitations and Benoit Crouch, is the prime example of this. A talented defender who understands what his role within the side is and performs this to his maximum every week. Strong in the air, and decent on the deck BC is never caught out at the back post or tackled whilst showboating. Benoit Crouch also sports a run of the mill hair style and dates women who aren’t out of his league.
Take a class act of a defender and bestow upon him the knees of a normal male, the result is Ledley Rocha. A player who would be know as: Captain, Leader, Legend.
This wonderfully gifted centre back would occasionally find himself a little worse for wear after a long night out, but he would more than make up for this on the domestic and international scene. LR’s place among the greats would ensure that another London based captain never received one tenth of the coverage they currently receive.
The perfect winger should be able to work off either foot, possess an incredible amount of stamina and be quick off the mark, but most importantly they must have the drive and determination to succeed. Aaron Balevy has all of these qualities and is able to combine them with an ability cross, double cross and negotiate obstacles.
Balevy, is gifted off either foot and is as fast as a jet engine and able to negotiate contracts on his own. He would boast one of the most water tight contracts in the history of football, but unfortunately he isn’t blessed with a full head of hair, the perfect ears or 20-20 vision.
At Enfield Training Centre
“Boss, I have this strange craving for foods high in saturated fats.”
“Come on Sandlestone, be serious.”
“Boss, I swear, I can’t help it all I want to do is eat.”
“Now, don’t you remember what the psychiatrist said? You need to suppress your inner Tom, go home and chew a celery stick.”